So which one of us is going to take the penalty?

Do we have this thought process in our work and personal lives? Coaching under-12s soccer games for many years has served me well, in an unexpected way. When your team is awarded a penalty all the players will want to be the one to take it - unlike the adult professional players, where you won’t see a lot of volunteering. Imagine two players wanting the ball, and their little faces look up at you at the side-line while the referee is waiting for your decision. You must pick one to keep the game moving, and there is no point in any philosophical discussion - at the end of the day, it is only a football match.

What is important, however, is how the two boys see each other at this moment. If the lad who marches off with the ball is thinking something along the lines of, “It’s just as well he would have missed and I’m much better”, it’s time to say “hold on now”, a change in ethos is needed. If, on the other hand, he feels compassion towards his team-mate, with the attitude of “I know you wanted to take it, I appreciate you letting me take it, and maybe you will take the next one”, then I call that inclusive and a win-win. Do we have this thought process in our work and personal lives?In our work and personal lives do we take the same approach? If a couple is splitting up, is their own battle bigger than the co-parenting? Is a personality contest in the work-place more important than the company itself?In my work as a mediator and conflict coach, I come across many situations where it feels like a single issue needs a winner, and therefore, a loser. In very serious conflict it might be about where the boundary goes, or the colour of the flag on a public building. In couples’ mediation, it often arises that both want to stay in the family home, or have the children with them most of the time.

I often refer back to those windswept Sunday mornings when the referee didn’t need VAR to point to the spot. Most of them were converted, and no one can remember who took them or if they scored. The only one still in touch with the football scenario is the coach, again doing something worthwhile and drawing from a distant memory. I have often been amused by the way the couple, perhaps by being in touch with their own inner child, are helped by this recall to understand that a seemingly deal-breaking issue has two sides to it.