Smoothing the waters for couples

CONNECTED FOREVER

A couple with children who separate know that they will always be connected even when the children are grown up. Many clients are in their 40s when they finally decide to separate, perhaps after years of the relationship not working. The children are of an age where they might be able to understand the break-up and are often expecting it, but they need the best co-parenting to help them through it.

NOT ALL ABOUT THE DETAIL

You will arrive at decisions to live separately with structures and boundaries. If money is a big worry, you should appreciate that the maintenance terms in the final agreement you will sign (a Mediation Settlement) allow for reviews because of changes in circumstances and money going out of date. How you treat each other should be bulletproof, as it will be picked up by the children, who are innocent and dependent on you for harmony in family dealings.

POST-MEDIATION

A standard clause in a Mediation Settlement (MS) states that the couple can return to mediation after the MS is signed, perhaps for new issues, disagreement on existing terms, or just to smooth the waters of how you deal with each other. It helps if you are willing to reflect on how you look at the other. If one is blaming the other, you could consider that you were both in the same relationship, and it takes one to raise the red flag. If time has elapsed, the other party could honestly think about what they have learned since the break-up. With boundaries and structured communication, opportunities should be less for conflict. If there is conflict, have you tried hard enough to decommission and seek peace?

SINGLE ISSUE or BASIC DECENCY and RESPECT

A single issue, such as choosing schools, holidays or Christmas, could be dealt with in one or two short sessions post-mediation. Some couples choose to come back regularly spread out over time to discuss big stuff, mainly if the feeling in sessions is "we find we can discuss things better here than at home,"which I often hear. It's sad but understandable, considering they couldn't sort much themselves, and when they tried, it ended in a row. Part of the process is to have them understand that they are not the same person and have different positions. They want the best for the children, which surely should translate into more harmonious dealing with each other, mainly if it's about the kids.

TIPS

From time to time, I will put up on the website tips learnt from what I see in sessions:-

SLIPPAGE When a new row starts, try not to consider you are back to square one but instead that the mediation is a benchmark whereby you are not going past that to the dark old days. If tension has risen, when you've calmed down, reflect on your role in the row, apologise where appropriate, and try to prevent a recurrence (whether communicated to the other or kept to yourself).