A Children's Charter

BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

TRY A CHILDREN'S CHARTER

A solicitor is one of the first people to be contacted when a couple separate. When that phone call is received, they know that two adults are ending their relationship, and their children are going to be innocent parties caught up in the family break-up.

Emotions such as anger, disappointment, resentment, denial, and other negative feelings hinder a sensible approach to immediate issues causing rows, blame, and bad-mouthing the other either in front of the other party or behind their back.

All of this leads to an unhealthy tension. The solicitor knows it will be weeks before full instructions are given to both colleagues, and months before there will be an opportunity to deal with issues. Problems can even arise after a court hearing, and if there is a shortage of goodwill this is detrimental to the children.

A mediator could also be one of the first to receive that call and might be able to see the couple quickly before relations deteriorate. Hence as a practising mediator, and retired solicitor, I have drawn up guidelines to present to the couple immediately, and I suggest they refer to them regularly, during the mediation and beyond. Any ignoring of the procedures is addressed within the mediation session itself. Alarm bells ring when behaviour which is all about their own interests is described as being "done for the kids".

Children's Charter

It is essential to be aware that the hardship and impact on the children have already started and these guidelines are for you, the adults to do the best for your children.

The sequence is:

1. You talking to each other, perhaps with the use of mediation.

2. Telling the children that you are separating and dealing with the issues that they raise with you.

3. Preparing a joint statement to them, see below in greater detail, and explaining that their needs will be foremost in your minds.

4. Return to mediation if needed.

Co-Parenting

The most critical part of separation is co-parenting your children. This will involve discussing arrangements and issues and deciding how and when to tell the children. It is best to do this when a plan is in place for you living separately, including a timetable of where the children will spend their time and see both of you.

Communication

While you need to meet at the outset you may be unable to do so, a shuttle mediation can be arranged whereby you see the mediator separately, either on different days or at other times at the same session with the mediator shuttling between two rooms. That may involve sending emails to the mediator and for him to negotiate between you.

Once an agreement has been reached, further communication is needed:

1. Emails, for lengthy information; texting if shorter, and more immediate, unless the parents can handle phone calls calmly ad constructively

2. Avoid communication in front of the children unless very light; instead, making time to see each other elsewhere to discuss co-parenting, and

3. If talking face to face doesn't work, and neither do phone calls, be aware of the texts or emails turning nasty. If that happens, I suggest that both agree that either party may copy the mediator if they deem the content to be toxic. This usually results in the toning down of such behaviour.

Living Arrangements

When there is a consensus to live separately, including the unique temporary arrangement of doing so in the same house, a timetable can be drawn up to see the children, and parents should pay attention to:

1. Having a clear understanding of handovers, collection and transport arrangements.

2. Agreeing that each child shall sleep alone in their own bed - if anyone else other than the parent is in that house even temporarily, this needs to be discussed.

3. Agreeing that if any child wants to contact one parent while with the other that is in order.

It may be decided that the children spend most of their time with one parent, and if that becomes or remains their home, it could help if that parent would allow the other to spend time there, with them vacating during those times. This is called "the cuckoo's nest" but will not suit every couple.

Each of the parties should try and give equal time to each child, including alone time with each.

Sometimes it happens that a second home is very close to the family home, such as a house in the grounds of the other which might be necessitated by finance. Depending on the age of the children, it might not be suitable for them seeing their parent passing by, and not coming to see them. In such a situation, they should stick to the timetable even more so, and don't allow the children to run out and choose one parent over the other on a whim.

Remember: custody of children is not a property-owning exercise. Also bear in mind that the boundaries are essential in the context of handovers, and respecting the other's new living arrangements.

Family Time

There will be special occasions, such as birthdays etc., where it would be beneficial to spend an amount of time together, but not if the tension would have an adverse effect on the children. There is a way of dealing with Christmas Day, splitting it to spend time in both places. The more time you can spend together amicably, the better for the children, including at handovers, but the reverse applies. If the early days are fraught, keep it to a minimum and aspire to share a meal at some handovers, being civil to each other and showing you don't demonise the other. Any rows, bad-mouthing or criticism of each other, either in front of the children or to them when alone, are to be avoided as a priority.

Extended Families

It is essential to normalise the break-up as much as possible, and that would include making access to your extended families continue as much as possible.

New Relationships

Sometimes a third party can be at the centre of a break-up, or enter one or other's lives afterwards. Depending on their age, children should have honest disclosure on a joint basis, and any questions answered after that. An agreement must be reached on telling each other about a new person before telling the children, then a time limit agreed upon as to when and how to say it to them. Cohabiting with another person needs a dialogue between you, and generally, there is nothing to be gained by introducing a new person until necessary.

Therapy

Each of you could be considering one-to-one therapy, or a good therapist could see you both as a separating couple needing help to handle co-parenting. Also, a child and family therapist could be used who could also deal directly with the children.

Telling the Children

Once necessary discussions between you to effect the break-up, including financial arrangements, are over, it is time to arrange to tell the children bearing in mind what has been stated here already, and hereunder. There are books and articles to be consulted. After due discussions, a united statement could be made to them by both of you, see below. This should be close to the time of moving out, but not too close; maybe between two and four weeks beforehand.

Arrange how to do so, and whether they need to be told individually or together. What you can say to them will depend on their age. Explain what has happened, briefly, and make it all about their future. Tell them your love for them is as it always has been, and they will always be well looked after. Tell them there is not any financial difficulty arising from two homes, etc., and you will respect the family time and issues referred to above.

See if any questions arise, and answer as best you can. Try to sit with each child, each of you, one-to-one for each parent with each child, to observe issues that may come up. If nothing is forthcoming, gently ask if there is anything they are worried about. Try and do this soon after the announcement. Be available regularly after that to repeat that process in case something comes up after they have had time for reflection. Encourage them to tell you how they feel. Don't tell them how you feel, as children are not equipped to deal with your feelings.

Give a verbal commitment that you will always try and protect them from any hostility, that there will be no bad-mouthing or criticism of the other, and if there is that they should tell the other parent, after which you will deal with it away from them. Don't ask children to carry communication from one of you to the other.

United Statement

Each of you should make a list of what you want to be said to them, compare the lists, and consider all recommendations above before arriving at an agreed statement. It need not be delivered as a written statement but could be written for your use and then synopsised for them.

Possible matters to include are: a timetable, communication, living arrangements, family time, extended families, new relationships (can be deferred until one exists), availability of therapy, your love for them, your commitment to their well-being indefinitely, and that finances are dealt with. Questions are encouraged and time with each parent for each child is guaranteed, expression of their feelings are welcomed, and they are not to be concerned about your feelings. Most of all, explain that you both aspire to harmony and not bad-mouthing or criticising each other.

Note - The above is for guidance only and is not intended to provide legal advice.

Copyright: Declan Foley Mediation Westside